Book 21 The Test of the Boulder
by Talon McGreggor
Summary: A parody of book 21 of The Odyssey by Homer. It takes place in Scotland...and involves a boulder. Read on to know more!


Book 21 The Test of the Boulder

By: Maiden Cobra

Author's Note: The clans mentioned, the Armstrongs and Hamiltons, did exist. Any first names, however are fictional. There was a Lord Dacre, but whether he had a bastard son named William, I do not know.

The story takes place in Scotland, the land of men in kilts and sharp barks of laughter. I got many ideas for first names from Virginia Henley's book, Tempted. This is the first time I've attempted writing with a Scottish accent, so please bear with me.

I do not own the story of the Odyssey, the English textbook from which I read portions of the Odyssey, Tempted, or any of its characters, and I do not own history. Thank you.

Characters:

OdysseusRamsaeus Wallace

PenelopeMeggan Wallace

AntinousWilliam Dacre

EurymachusEdward Hamilton

EumaeusCollin

PhiloetiusDonal

TelemachusPatrick Wallace

Now Meggan sank down, the great rock between her knees, and let the sobs escape her like a great torrent. Then from the big house she went, ten tried men following with the stone, to the village square where the burly brutes awaited. Thus like this she went to them, all solemn faced with a sallow pallor. With a defiant step, she spoke:

"Ye brutish lairds who seek ma land so ye can get ma man's land 'n' title! Ye've invaded this village an' driven half o' us out o' house and home. I thought I'd be rid of ye long before now, but ye've forced yourselves upon meh an' drunken yourselves inta a stupor. The poor lassies mus' warm yer beds at night, an' I'm sick of it. Ye only want ma lan's an' title…mayhap bed me too, but that's no excuse.

"So a contest I declare that'll test ye're very manhood. 'Ere's the boulder ma husband, Ramsaeus, threw half a league. Any who can match the distance I'll wed."

Then to Collin:

"Bring the rock. Set the markers."

Tears came to Collin's eyes as the rock was laid before the suitors. William, a by-blow of Lord Dacre, said with a bark,

"Whoresons! Go to pieces over nothing! Stop your crying like a babe from your mother's womb! She's suffered enough 'n' doesn't need you to contend with. Take your useless hides from our presence if ye must, but let us with half the balls we were born with attempt this feat."

William like the rest of the company psyched himself for what was to come. He never thought his head would be the first smashed by the very rock he intended to win Meggan's hand with. No matter their efforts of brawn, and gaining more distance by running with the rock then throwing it, the suitors could not reach half a league. Meanwhile, Collin and Donal went to the stables, not wanting to watch the horrid competition. Ramsaeus, in the disguise of a stablehand, approached them with feigned timidity.

"Farm hands and faithful servants, can I speak with ye? Pray, would you fight beside Ramsaeus wi' the loyalty 'n' vigor you had before if he came back?"

Donal declared with a humorless bark of laughter that rent the very air, "Let ma laird come. The God-be-damned swine in the square now should be taught a lesson. I'd like tae see m'laird string their innards upon a spit 'n' roast 'em like sausage!"

Collin, much more sensitive and less coarse in words said, "I found meself prayin' tae St. Jude at night, and day dreaming of his return when I took the herds out tae the meadows."

After their declarations, the stablehand said, "Well, take up arms ma lads, fer I'm back an' ready tae take revenge!" At their somewhat stunned looks, he continued with great mirth, "Ye no' believe meh? Here's proof!" And he rolled up his pant leg to reveal a deep scar that went from knee to groin. "I got it in that tavern brawl with the be-damned Hamiltons the night we tried tae drink our way tae Stirling." Both servants laughed and clapped their lord on the back in welcome. Now it was time for Ramsaeus to be serious.

"I'm goin' tae throw that rock, but they'll no' let meh if ye don' interfere. Collin ye mus' defy 'em. Donal, go into the house an' mill and tell the women to no' come out no matter the commotion they hear. Lock the very doors 'n' make sure they keep at their tasks. I'll no' have rumors spreadin' about the minute I come home. An' no, ye're tae join me an mine when ye're done. Aye, my Patrick told meh of the liking ye've taken with tha' Janet wench."

Ramsaeus and Collin went back to the village square as Donal dashed off to the house and mill. It was Edward's turn to throw and he lifted the boulder. He turned it round, round in his hands in effort to get the best grip. Then he ran back and threw. His heart thudded in his ears as the rock sailed through the air, landing with a thump at the ¼ mark.

Then said he grimly:

"Curse the day! All our manhood's been stripped away--none o' us measuring up tae Ramsaeus. He makes us look like bairns learnin' tae toss a pebble o'er a babbling brook!"

Then Ramsaeus spoke, all craft and gall:

"Ma lairds an' suitors fer the fair Meggan--" Another bark of scornful laughter rent the air, but it went unheeded by the disguised Ramsaeus, and he continued, "Let meh see if I have yet the strength tae throw it. The stables are reputed tae make a man o' ye faster than any job."

Irritation swept through the group. One jested, "It's no' the stables, ye demented lad, it's the horse patties ye mus' shovel!"

William Dacre responded coldly with, "You insolent servant, get back to the hole from whence you came! You seek to act as an equal? Earn a knighthood 'n' get some land and then come to us!"

At this, Meggan boldly said, "William, do no' disgrace a guest of Patrick's! Ye're one tae talk, Lord bloody Dacre! Ye've no land, that's why ye want tae marry meh! Besides, do ye really ken that he'll throw the massive thing half a league?"

Another sharp bark of laughter, proving Meggan's point.

"I don't just want yer land. Your beauty's akin to a late blooming rose."

Another sharp bark of sarcastic laughter.

Meggan left the men to their own devices. 

Collin stepped forward, feeling quite uncertain of himself, but the rock was carried to Ramsaeus.

"What in the great Scot's name are ye doin'?" demanded a faceless man.

"Heed 'im not!" shouted Patrick, "I've more power than them! If I had my way, these brutes would be run through and trussed together like doe!"

Every man bore a smile of boyish intrigue as a great convulsion caught them off guard. This released Collin's tensions and the rock was laid at the stable hand's feet. He picked it up as if it weighed no more than feather down, took two steps back and threw. The boulder landed with a 'thud' just past the final marker.

Then quietly Ramsaeus said:

"Patrick, the stranger ye welcomed has no' disgraced you. I hit the mark with one shot. An' no 'tis time fer some festivities."

He nodded, all the men missing the signal, an Patrick took up his great long sword to stand by his father.


End file.
